Two for one

If you haven't noticed, I have been in a picture funk. I don't know why. I love my camera. I guess that just like any other relationship, a break makes you appreciate your love more. It was a good break, but I am glad to be back.

It started with an evening with friends on one of the last camp weekends of the year. At 5:00pm we were in t-shirts and by 7:30pm, it was time to pull out the sweatshirts. The food was amazing and the company just as grand. Fun times!




















The beauty of our state park is something I take for granted. We spend a lot of time out there. We love it and it is so close to home, yet you feel like you are miles away. This time of year is just beautiful. A pallet of colors that warm the heart and soul.




To kick off our Halloween Palooza that commences next week, we decided to treat our day care to a little party. All children ranging from 18 months to 5 years and it was so much fun. There was plenty to do for all and smiles and laughter filled this house from top to bottom. My girls loved having them over at "their" house and we can't wait to have them over again.














This weekend has a few hours of work for me, and a fun day with my mom and girls. Sunday is a year. One year since he has been gone. It seems like it was yesterday. We will cry, we will laugh and we will remember.


Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

A Mother's Goal

My children have always been on the independent side. Not to the extreme that they don't care if I am around, but also not to the point that I can't leave the room. That is, until now. I know that kids go through phases. I also know that when you have two at different ages, yet very close together you sometimes forget that they aren't the same age. The past few weeks have been somewhat of a challenge. I use that word, yet I am not sure if it is the right one. The girls have been sick for starters. That alone breaks a mommy's heart. But, their need for me has been so much greater. So different than usual. The kind of need that puts being a mother into perspective for you. I have been lucky so far in the sense that most times their needs are separate and also at different times. Not lately. I try so hard to find the balance of fixing each problem, giving my all to one so when I move on, I give my all to the other. I seem to have lost that lately. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a taste of motherly reality. I can't fix every need. I can't make it all better all the time. No matter how bad I want to, I just can't. Who can?

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I have had many goals in life. Some I achieved and some I did not. I don't regret the ones I didn't and most always used them as a learning experience. This goal of being a good mother is a much harder one to brush off.  When I feel like I have failed that is. We want so badly to do the right thing all of the time. To make the best decisions to nurture and teach our children.  I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy, but my heart had no idea how hard it would be. I just want them to know each and every day how very important they make my life. I want to make them both feel equally special and important. I want them to know that just because I am not with them everyday, I am still with them. To find the balance of giving and taking. Knowing that I am the primary giver and they are the primary taker. To fill their hearts with so much love and security that when the day ends, they look at me as a mother whom while achieving the ultimate goal of being the best mommy I can be, also makes mistakes and learns from them. Only to better myself in that role. It has been a week full of emotions, tears and goals. The most important though, is the one that I know I acheived the minute I brought them into the world. Love. I have that one down and with that, the rest will come.

Remembering

My mom and I were talking the other day. Labor Day weekend to be exact. It has been one year to the date when we had our family photos taken with my dad. It seems almost impossible that a year has passed, yet even more impossible that we are approaching the one year mark of his leaving us.



I was thinking about this time of year after my last post. I love how all of the beauty of fall surrounds you in so many forms. The color is the most dominant change for sure. The weather plays a huge part as well. I remember though. Exactly how the sun shone down and the crisp air required a skirt with a sweater instead of sleeveless. I remember how the leaves rustled upward in the sky as the wind set underneath them. I remember.

The year has been full of reminders of him. From resolutions, to newspaper articles, to football season. All reminders. It is good to remember. To reflect on all of the things that were so him. After he passed, for the longest time, all I could see was the bad stuff. How sick he was. How hard it was to know that he was no longer himself. Looking in those eyes and knowing it was him, but yet seeing this hollow life. I don't know if it is the shift in the season or just God's way of helping me heal. But lately, in the past few weeks, I haven't seen those visions. I feel certain that his death has left my head and finally entered my heart. Where it belongs and where it shall stay. Along with his passing comes all of the in between. I can finally put it all together and just...remember.

My girls remember too. They still talk about him. The Bear mostly. She saw the newspaper a couple of weeks ago and said immediately, "that's my Papaw." Yep, sweet girl, I told her. It sure is. The way I now remember him. Handsome and proud. Determined and strong. Loving and selfless.

We remember things for different reasons. I know that I will always feel him when the season shifts. When I see the leaves falling or blowing. When I go out in the morning and the crisp morning catches my breath. But, remembering is what makes people live on in our hearts forever. And for me, that is the most comforting and warm feeling. One that takes that chill away and makes the sun shine down just a little bit brighter.

Movin' Right Along

Being back at Ms. Tanya's is in one word, wonderful! The girls have settled right back into the routine and we are so happy. Pre-School is the best. Ms. Laura is doing an incredible job with the Bear and the Bean anxiously awaits next year when it will be her turn. With summer trailing behind, we have enjoyed it so much. I have to say though, this is by far my most favorite time of year. Everything is better with fall. Color, food and snuggles. Or maybe it isn't better, just more rich. Either way, we have welcomed it. Friends joined this weekend for campfires and play. While the air was a bit crisp, smiles warmed things nicely.



I don't seem to have much to write about lately. I don't know why. Things are certainly busy in our lives. Sometimes I think that you just get in a place of routine, one which takes over and you start to run on auto. I am ok with that for a little while. But, I can't stay that way for very long. I like changes and new challenges. I have seen such a shift in personality in these two lately. I don't know what or why, but everything is different. Their voices. Their laughs. Their arguing. Especially their arguing. Nothing is easy anymore Everything seems to be a competition. But, just like every other parenting challenge, I welcome it. I am, after all the one whom just stated they like new challenges, right? Andy says they are just like me. True. But, like him too. Which makes  for an interesting combo.

 

We look forward to a shift in the season, and with that bringing lot's of new ideas. Food, crafts, you name it. And most importantly, lot's of rich love.

Happy Week!

Changes

They are upon us. Changes that are good. The season for instance. It is changing. The air is different. The mornings are crisp. Fall colors are out at all the local stores.

Our girls have some change along with the season. They are going to be going "home". Ms. Tanya will be adding two little girls to her home and everyone involved is excited. The Bear will be attending two days of pre-school a week with a WONDERFUL teacher. We are so blessed to have her in the lives of our children.

This change was brought upon by a lot of praying. While the pre-school they were at is wonderful, it was just not our place. Not what worked for us. We loved everyone there, but my girls are used to having "family" during the days when I can't be there. Different strokes for different folks. Isn't that how that saying goes?

I don't doubt that I will always second guess myself as a mother. I won't always get it right the first time. My idea of the perfect solution may be so far off that I look in the mirror and say "What was I thinking?" But, the bottom line is that they are mine. I have this one life to do what I feel in my heart is what will mold them into the individuals I know they are capable of being. I love them so very much. And like every parent, I only want what is best for them. I will do what ever I must to make that happen. I will make whatever sacrifices I have to. Because when you are a mother, that is just what you do. Last night, I slept a full night for the first time in a month. I can't really use the word relief, because that word means that I have been worried. I have just not felt "right". I feel "right" now. I can honestly say that I don't look forward to all of the times I don't feel "right" as they grow because I know some of them are going to smack me hard in the face.

Until then, while they are little, I am going to recognize that my worries are nothing. And as long as they are happy and healthy, I couldn't ask for more. We will continue to love and grow together as a family. That is one thing I am sure of.

New Additions

We really haven't lost our mind. We just have this thing with adding to our family. Only, the additions have four legs instead of two.

Meet Oats and Flower. Oats is the tabby and Flower is a calico. Or so Andy says. I have no idea, so I am going with it. One thing I know for sure. They are so darn cute.








They are playful. They are wild. But, they are also cuddle bugs. They love Honey and she loves them. At first I was curious as to how they would interact, but bringing them home was a gift to her. The three of them play non-stop.

The Bear can't get enough of them. The Bean, well, her love of animals is pretty much nonexistent. She just likes to watch from afar.





A low key weekend awaits us. I am ready for it and can't wait to spend time with my three.



Happy Weekend!

Part 4 of 4

Coming home is always just as good as going. But when you have a birthday party at home that awaits, it is even better. Home, with our family and friends that we share everything with. The ones that only live steps away. Sweet, sweet times. The close knit kind that makes you feel secure and always supported. Thank you dear friends and family for coming to my Bear's special day. It was all the more special because you were part of it!

























thank you nana, brandy, gracie and daddy for the pictures

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Dear Sarah Bear,

You are four. All of you. Your look, your language, your soul. I can't believe that four years have gone by. We have shared so many things in just four years. I can't wait for the next four. Thank you for making me a mommy for the first time in my life. For giving me what I had yearned for since I was a little girl myself. I have learned so much from you. You are such an amazing big sister and so sincere. I promise to love and protect you to the moon and back and in the middle. And that my sweet, sweet girl is a pinky promise. Happy Brithday!