A Mother's Goal

My children have always been on the independent side. Not to the extreme that they don't care if I am around, but also not to the point that I can't leave the room. That is, until now. I know that kids go through phases. I also know that when you have two at different ages, yet very close together you sometimes forget that they aren't the same age. The past few weeks have been somewhat of a challenge. I use that word, yet I am not sure if it is the right one. The girls have been sick for starters. That alone breaks a mommy's heart. But, their need for me has been so much greater. So different than usual. The kind of need that puts being a mother into perspective for you. I have been lucky so far in the sense that most times their needs are separate and also at different times. Not lately. I try so hard to find the balance of fixing each problem, giving my all to one so when I move on, I give my all to the other. I seem to have lost that lately. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a taste of motherly reality. I can't fix every need. I can't make it all better all the time. No matter how bad I want to, I just can't. Who can?

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I have had many goals in life. Some I achieved and some I did not. I don't regret the ones I didn't and most always used them as a learning experience. This goal of being a good mother is a much harder one to brush off.  When I feel like I have failed that is. We want so badly to do the right thing all of the time. To make the best decisions to nurture and teach our children.  I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy, but my heart had no idea how hard it would be. I just want them to know each and every day how very important they make my life. I want to make them both feel equally special and important. I want them to know that just because I am not with them everyday, I am still with them. To find the balance of giving and taking. Knowing that I am the primary giver and they are the primary taker. To fill their hearts with so much love and security that when the day ends, they look at me as a mother whom while achieving the ultimate goal of being the best mommy I can be, also makes mistakes and learns from them. Only to better myself in that role. It has been a week full of emotions, tears and goals. The most important though, is the one that I know I acheived the minute I brought them into the world. Love. I have that one down and with that, the rest will come.